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Hello, Just a reminder, folks -- the Internet is still here. Has anything really changed? Hmmm. See you in Eugene. Enjoy! - paul >Date: Fri, 30 Aug 1996 20:43:23 -0400 (EDT) >From: "J.D. Falk" <[email protected]> >To: [email protected] >Subject: Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece (fwd) >X-US-Congress: Moronic fucks. >Organization: cyberNOTHING.org: Because nothing is cooler when it's cyber. >Sender: [email protected] > > > Both NANOG and the Internet Press Guild talking about some of the >same things...what fun! > BTW, the IPG is at 'http://www.netpress.org/ipg/'. We'll be >forming a public list for discussion of coverage of the net in major >media, sorta like alt.internet.media-coverage used to be. > >---------- Forwarded message ---------- >Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 00:47:04 -0400 >From: Daniel P Dern <[email protected]> >Reply-To: [email protected] >To: [email protected] >Subject: (Belated fwd) Dern response to Metcalfe critique of Dern 'net collapse?' piece >Resent-Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 00:49:41 -0400 >Resent-From: [email protected] > > > >---------<dern>------------ >DERN ON THE INTERNET: > > Internet Predicts Overloading of Bob Metcalfe (.GIF at 11) > > (as told to Daniel P. Dern <[email protected], www.dern.com>) > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel P. Dern > > [ Copyleft (cl) - Permission granted to redistribute free ONLY to > free-for-access online forums, sites and such (including mailing > lists), and only so long as my byline, copyright and this disclaimer > are included. Anyone else interested, contact me. -dpd ] > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > >{What has gone before: <read this in Italics if you got 'em> > > I had a front-page article in the July 1 issue of InfoWorld, on the > every-popular topic "is the Internet collapsing." Bob Metcalfe > responded to it, with, "Internet Intelligentsia Stands on Credos, Not > Facts", in the same issue (p.75, opposite my final 'graphs). Here is > my response to Metcalfe's response; Bob, this constitutes the other > shoe finally dropping :-) </Italics if you had 'em> -dpd} > > >AUGUST 1996 (shortly after lunch) -- If you've been following the >cybernatterings of cyberluminary Bob Metcalfe during the past half-year >or so (or past two years in Internet dog years), in his InfoWorld "From >The Ether" column, or elsewhere in various speeches, articles, >interviews, and online postings, you're probably well aware that Dr. >Metcalfe is concerned about the Internet. > >In fact, he's convinced that the Internet is overloaded to the point >where it will soon collapse. Why he doesn't suggest the Internet take >two aspirins, go to bed, and Internet-phone him in the morning I don't >know -- perhaps he's not that kind of doctor. But he's definitely >concerned. > >It is therefore highly ironic that, according to the Internet, a >similar fate may lie in store for Metcalfe. In an exclusive interview >I just had with the Internet, the Internet opined that Bob Metcalfe is >overloading, and, predicts the Internet, he will soon be unable to >handle the load. > >Dr. Robert Metcalfe, a suave, well- -- if perhaps too-casually- -- >dressed techno bon vivant, and awardwinner, is best known for being the >creator of Ethernet, and also for being one of the founders of 3Com, >and recently variously publisher, editor-in-chief, and columnist at >InfoWorld magazine. He's been kvetching about the Internet long before >other industry pundits, even John Dvorak or Jerry Pournelle. > >The Internet is, of course, a global network of networks, linked by the >IP networking protocols which enable applications on different types of >networks and computers to "schmooze" (intercommunicate), and has become >best known as the home of the WorldWideWeb (which has in turn spawned >all those "intranets," "extranets," "intrawebs," and "IP corrals"), >which, as well all know, is the reason we all "need" Netscape Navigator >and/or Microsoft Internet Explorer. (Conspiracy theorists attribute >much of the claimed value of the Web to PR campaigns by memory chip >makers.) > >"It's the Firesign Theatre's 'Fudd's Law' all over again -- 'If you push >anything hard enough, it will fall over,'" the Internet quipped self- >referentially, while simultaneously blowing routing loops from its >elegantly carved high-bandwidth meerschaum pipe and signing receipt chits >for new top-level domains. > >"I know Bob's worried about me -- well, I'm worried about Bob," the >Internet stated statelessly. "He's pushing himself too hard -- and, >unlike me, he only has one provider and wasn't engineered to scale the >same way." The Internet put down the pile of paperwork on a nearby >routing table, which was wobbling as if it might collapse at any moment. >A green plastic fish which had escaped from another essay wriggled >briefly nearby. > >The Internet is flattered by the Metcalfe's ongoing interest in its >health, but fears that this may be a case of the bioanarchistic pot >calling the cyber-kettle black. > >"He's taking on too great a load," explained the Internet, dressed in a >open-protocol suit and a <BLINK>ing bow tie for the occasion, at its open >suite in the Hotel D'Arpa recently for an exclusive interview. "He's >writing articles and editorials, he's speaking at conferences, he's being >interviewed, he's getting awards, he's giving parties... Bob Metcalfe was >never designed to handle this great a load, nor to handle many of these >types of functions. Heck, it makes me tired just to think about it. >It's inevitable that he'll prove unable to handle the load, sooner or >later." > >According to a recent three-year $100 million study by two mailroom >clerks and a service technician at the Cantseetheforestforthetrees >Group located in Cambridge, Mass. near what was supposed to have been >the site of a major urban mall and housing development that never >materialized, "Metcalfe's appearances and activities have been growing >at a monthly rate of 15%." By mid-2002, they predict, "Metcalfe will be >speaking at every trade show in the United States, as well as at 29% of >the Boy and Girl Scout troop meetings, numerous city zoning board >committees, and several county fairs." > >(Copies of the full report, including color graphs and pie charts, are >available for the small cheap paltry sum of $597, payable in $3.00 Ecash >certificates made on a browser with margins set to 6.2 centimeters. Free >copies are available from their web site.) > >Metcalfe's silicon-intelligent anarchistica, notably several leading >Ethernet segments at major universities, deny the rumors. "Bob's NAPs >keep him well-rested and productive," reported one at a technical east >coast site. But others report dropped salt packets, open jars of clam >dip, and a growing pile of sport coats and sweaters -- some of which, >one WAN wag reported, aren't as seamless as they used to be. > >"Being a pundit requires a lot more speed and flexibility than it used >to," notes Sc*tt Br*dn*r, an alleged academic at a university located a >few miles upriver from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (M*T) >in Cambridge, Mass. "Bob's been able to cope, but he'll run out of >bandwidth sooner or later, and fail to show up for a meeting somewhere, >or drop his speech en route." > >D*v* Cl*rk, an alleged computer science academic purported to have been >allegedly seen having a beer with an alleged journalist, says, "We have >computer simulations of Metcalfe running on our academic computers >which show how Metcalfe could run at a higher speed. Unfortunately, >our program refuses to run simulations involving Metcalfe performing >non-academic activities." Cl*rk hypothesized that his simulator was >assuming an arbitrarily large supply of graduate students as one of the >resources in its calculations. > >V*nt C*rf, alleged father of the Internet paternity suite and co-founder >of C*rfN*t, adds, "At this point, given the expectations that have been >created for Metcalfe, it's important that he drop something, if only to >prove we're right and he's wrong." > >Defenders of Metcalfe claim the Internet is being unfair. "Bob, like >all of us, is comprised of many individual organs, bones, cells and old >parking tickets," points out an Ethernet segment in Umbilical, Hawaii >which was subsequently arrested by the Grammar Police for improper use of >'comprise.' "To say he's completely overloading, versus that some >muscle or organ may be overloading, is unfair." > >"Part of the problem," the Internet said in response to these counter- >critiques, "is that Metcalfe was never designed to handle a load like >this. He still needs security, management, proper billing, guaranteed >service, and blue suede shoes. It's our own fault for continuing to use >him." > >I attempted to reach Metcalfe for comment, but he was unavailable (hmmm!) >-- off making a speach somewhere in New York... or was it Chicago... or >Los Angeles... or whatever. (Kinda proves the point, don't it?) > >"I understand what it's like to be overloaded," the Internet concluded. >"But I've got the same confidence in Bob that he's got in me. Frankly, I >think we both want to collapse, and then be allowed to spend a few weeks >chilling out somewhere quiet, downloading back a few drinks, and waiting >for the press to find some other headline-grabbing scapegoat. > >"As for all those businesses supposedly relying on me -- heck, I never >said I was good for that stuff," the Internet pinged. "I was supposed to >just be the proof of concept. Making me into that info-super-duper- >highway, that was somebody else's idea. Whoops -- here somes the three >o'clock weather checkers and PointCast update -- back to work!" > >Shrugging out of its jacket and into a naugahyde jacket with a large >"IP On Everything" JPEG on the back, the Internet sauntered off to the >nearest meetpoint, singing, in a semi-public key, to a frightening >familiar tune, "I know I connect all those LANs/and the LANs I connect >to are grand/So when I say, IP, aye, IP, eye-pee-eye-eh/I'm lookin' >fine, info-highway/info-highway, no way!..." > > * > >(Note to readers: Only stunt or simulated Metcalfes were used in >testing and writing this article. Not real Metcalfes, or even his >sweaters, were used. And had this been a real "Internet is out" alert, >this would, of course, never have gotten to you.) > > # > >- Daniel P. Dern ([email protected], www.dern.com) has been writing, >speaking, consulting, and writing song parodies about the Internet for >over a decade. Author of THE INTERNET GUIDE FOR NEW USERS and founding >editor of Internet World magazine, he's ready for somebody to give him >another Internet magazine to be in charge of. Or even another Internet >column. And yes, he knows his Web site is vastly in need of updating, >okay? > > > Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel P. Dern > > >/the end. really. >---------</dern>------------ > >----------- > >Daniel Dern ([email protected], http://www.dern.com) > Internet analyst, author, columnist & speaker > (617) 969-7947 FAX: (617) 969-7949 > > >
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